Because it’s been this kind of day
They could KILL YOU. Without even blinking.

These are the problems of a 30-something single man in Seattle

A few days ago I was going to complain about how I cannot, FOR THE LIFE OF ME, pull off the foil lids on yogurt cups without the damned lids tearing, no matter how careful I am or how slowly I pull the lids away from the cups.

Now three cups in a row, the lids have come off in a single piece. Somehow I have become a foil-lid–removing GENIUS.

So I moved on. Last night I wanted a banana, and wonder of wonders, I had some bananas from a grocery trip I made Sunday evening. Lovely small bunch, so I wouldn’t waste any of them in the seeming SECONDS between their perfect ripeness and their festering rottenness. Grabbed a banana, took hold of the stem in my right hand and started the quick sideways yank I used to break the stem for peeling.

Stem came right off that damned banana, flew about 12 feet across the kitchen into the dining room, where Flex was waiting for it. Poor stem, it’s now a cat’s plaything, in the evile way cats bat and chase things around before those things disappear for a time into whatever weird places such little objects go.

I’ll find that stem in a year or so, a dessicated little wart that I’ll have trouble identifying. Maybe I’ll flash back to an August evening in 2008 when I did a little comedy routine that only my cat appreciated, and only because it got him a new toy. But most likely I’ll wonder just what the hell is that little thing? when my vacuum suddenly emits a squeal of tortured belts and I have to turn the thing over and dig out whatever has the damned mechanism jammed up.

But I’ll have the satisfaction of knowing the sound of the vacuum has sent Flexie cowering into a corner under the bed.

Bwahahahaha.

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