“Designer dogs” outrage reaches the hinterlands, 18 months later
I didn't think I was afraid of the dark

I just had an odd experience involving a restroom, my boxer-briefs, and the fortune I received after lunch at the Chinese restaurant

Quite likely more than you ever wanted to know.


So I heard The Call of Nature and, heeding it, wandered from my desk to the men’s room where I stepped up to the urinal as I’ve done a time or two every day for the entire three years I’ve worked here. I unzipped and reached in to use the fly built into my boxer-briefs because I’ve never understood it when men unzip their pants fly and also undo the belt and unfasten their pants and lower the whole shootin’ match out of the way when they’re standing at a urinal. Just... WTF?

Anyway. The boxer-briefs are cotton and snug and I’ve never had trouble maneuvering around before when I needed to use the restroom, and while I’m trying to be a bit euphemistic out of some sense that I might outrage someone who happens to read this, I don’t know why I’m bothering.

So I’ve never had trouble with this process before but today somehow I managed to pinch the head of my penis as I pulled apart the cotton panels that make up the briefs’ fly. I guess I got caught in the internal seam and I emitted a sound of horrified pain even though it didn’t really hurt so much as surprise me.

Of course the sudden cascade of nerve impulses briefly removed all need to use the urinal for its intended purpose, and I was immediately much more careful with my movements. Eventually, however, The Call returned and I finished up and CAREFULLY zipped up and washed my hands and walked, slowly, back to my desk, and that’s when I remembered the fortune I got as I paid the tab for lunch at Chan’s Place in Woodinville:

You will enjoy good health,
that is your form of wealth.

I thought: This is why I nearly emasculated myself, this fortune I received not one hour ago

And the only reason I kept the fortune paper was it reminded me of an amusing verbal exchange involving iambic pentameter between the White House Counsel and an associate counsel from a second-season episode of The West Wing.

What a wonder is the human brain, that pinching one’s penis in one’s boxers fly could bring to mind a literary joke from a television show.

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